Finances and Domestic Violence with Kim Pentico
Finances and Domestic Violence with Kim Pentico
October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and it’s a difficult topic to wrap your mind around; however, it affects millions of men and women of every race, religion, culture, and status. Joining me today is Kim Pentico, Economic Justice Program Director for the National Network to End Domestic Violence. She shares how to identify domestic violence, of which financial abuse is a part of it, and the work we can do to bring change to anyone impacted by this. As you can imagine, parts of this conversation may be triggering for people, so please be aware of this before listening to this episode.
What are we drinking?
Kim - PurAqua Belle Vie Sparkling Water, Grapefruit flavor, from Aldi
Shannon - Black Cherry Schweppes
Podcast Notes
The National Network to End Domestic Violence is different from other non-profits, because they are a network. It is a membership organization made up of the 56 U.S. and state territory domestic violence coalitions.
Most communities have at least one local domestic violence program that serves that community. This is typically a private, not for profit organization, but it is likely a member of the state domestic violence coalition, which is also membership based and provides members with training and technical assistance, and they do public policy work with state legislature on the non-profit’s behalf.
These state coalitions are members of the National Network, which provides training and technical assistance back to local domestic violence programs and state coalitions, as well as public policy work on their behalf with Congress.
The Network does not provide direct services, but they have a partnership with the national hotline.
There has been an increase in hotline calls and calls to law enforcement, due to the pandemic. People are trapped physically and financially because of a pandemic, and they are feeling unsafe.
Kim is charged with helping survivors on the financial front. It has taken a while as a field to realize they need to focus on finances to help survivors. They’ve figured out how to do shelter and improve housing in general, but when survivors cannot access it or sustain it financially, it is pointless.
Survivors were having to choose between homelessness or going back to an abusive partner, because they didn’t have access to resources.
Lack of money does not cause abuse, but it increases the risk of abuse. Acts of independence increase risks, like getting a job or hiding money. Lethality increases by seven times.
Domestic violence is based on power and control, it isn’t caused by drugs and alcohol or anger management.
When the power and control is challenged, like by an act of independence, physical violence may be employed as a tactic to keep the other person in the relationship.
It is important to help people think critically about their finances as well as safety.
Trust your gut, your gut has kept you alive to this moment. Advocates need to catch up to what survivors are already doing and listen when they say what is safe and what is not.
If you are in an unsafe situation, start squirreling away as much cash as possible. Even if it is $5.00 at a time. Get creative in how you save it and where you keep it. Start diverting funds here and there. Venmo doesn’t require you to transfer the funds to a bank account.
Change your passwords regularly. Ask what is helpful and what is safe, and if this is discovered, what is your plan.
Some states are funded through state general revenue funds, others are federal funds, others have private funds, which will affect how long survivors can stay in housing. Some have 60-day limits and others have unlimited stays.
Lists for public housing and housing assistance are years long. Survivors are stuck between a rock and a hard place. There is no system to embrace a survivor and support her in that process. It is a no-win situation in many cases.
We need to be willing to change how we fund these things, to know what the costs actually are, and to be comfortable talking about uncomfortable things.
There are male victims of domestic violence too. The Network sees domestic violence in same-sex partnerships at almost the same rates as opposite sex relationships. Sometimes there are male victims of female violence, but this tends to be the exception and not the norm.
Sometimes you need to differentiate between domestic violence and bad behavior. The definition of domestic violence is a pattern of coercive behavior used to intimidate and threaten a current or former partner.
Sometimes just the threat of the capacity of violence is all it takes and knowing violence is always on the table.
The power and control wheel has many tactics, including economic abuse, use of kids, intimidation and threats, isolation, and use of male privilege and hierarchy. Outside of these spokes, the constant threat of possible physical or sexual violence is holding it all together. The other thing that keeps it all intact is the society that supports it and co-signs on it.
If you are leaving a partner and you have a joint account, take half out of the account. If you are taking kids with you, take closer to three fourths. It is legally your right, but take note of how you use those funds, because later you may need to prove how they were used.
Make sure you have access to all of the online accounts you have with a partner, so you can show a history if the other person takes it first. If you have valuables in the house, take pictures of them, so you can prove the existence of them.
Balance safety with asking questions and trying to gain access to accounts. Understand and believe that when women take control of their own finances, it is the most badass thing they can do.
Even if you are in a good situation right now, you don’t know what may change in the future. Relationships don’t always start out bad, and you don’t know where it will take you. The way to weather the uncertainty is being set financially. No one wants to stay in an unhappy situation, because they cannot afford anything else.
Women tend to talk about money as in the good deal they found, but they are not talking about it in more meaningful ways, like how to invest money long-term or how to ask for a raise.
When men get together, they talk about finances and leveling up. Women need to do this, instead of money being a taboo topic. We have money interactions and transactions every day.
Take the steps that fit for you. Small steps of independence add up to big changes eventually. Do what feels safe and what feels right. Start talking about it in spaces and places that feel comfortable and safe. You are not alone — there are resources out there.
Prepare financially, so you don’t get to that worst case scenario where you’ve left and it is uncertain how long you will be supported.
If you have questions about what is available in your community, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, at 800-799-7233. You have a state domestic violence coalition and you can Google your state and “domestic violence coalition” to find out what is available to you.
Don’t go it alone, reach out if you have questions or if you are scared. Assistance is there before you have to make the big decision.
Domestic violence isn’t always physical violence, there are a number of ways to create an unhealthy environment and there are options for you.
The Network has a partnership with the Allstate Foundation and they coauthored a financial literacy curriculum called Moving Ahead Through Financial Empowerment. Module one talks about what is financial abuse, how does it look, how does it play out, and how do you do financial safety planning. These elements are woven throughout the curriculum.
Takeaway: My biggest takeaway is that domestic abuse is not necessary the result of a physical altercation, and if you or anyone you know does not feel safe in a relationship, I hope you’ll reach out, or encourage the person you love to reach out, for the help they deserve.
Connect with an Advocate
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233
Chat: Chat with an Advocate
Website: National Network to End Domestic Violence
Financial Literacy Curriculum: Moving Ahead Through Financial Empowerment
Text: LOVEIS to 866-331-9474
If you have any topics you would like me to cover on this podcast, or If you’d like to get in the financially naked hot seat, I encourage you to email me to Shannon@fingyms.com, or join the private Martinis and Your Money Facebook group, and let me know what you want to hear.
If you’d like to talk to my team at the Financial Gym to help you overcome any fear or anxiety you have around your finances so you can become more empowered by them, I hope you’ll be brave enough to reach out to us. My trainers have literally seen it all, and we don’t care how you got here, we just care about getting you where you want to go. So head over to, or send friends to, financialgym.com to get set up today.