Financial Infidelity with Tracy Coenen
2024 is going to be a big year for me personally and professionally but it unfortunately means the end of new content for Martinis and Your Money. It’s been quite the journey and I still have seven more months to go. This month I’m talking about relationships and money. It’s estimated that money problems lead to 20 - 40% of divorces and from my seat as a financial planner for over the last 12 years, I can tell you that those numbers are accurate.
This month we’re going to talk about the pitfalls money can have on relationships but also the solutions to building a financially healthy and safe foundation for two people to navigate. This week I’m talking about financial infidelity and joining me to discuss this topic is Tracy Coenen, a forensic accountant and author of the book Find Me the Money. Tracy joins me to share some of the lessons she’s learned about financial infidelity after years of uncovering it as well as what people should know if they suspect it’s happening in their relationship.
What are we drinking?
Tracy – Arnold palmer with unsweet iced tea
Shannon – Black cherry Schweepps
Podcast Notes
Benefits of Financial Transparency
Tracy went to college intending to become a prison warden. A class on financial crime investigations sparked an interest and led her down a different path. She continued her criminology degree but added accounting and economics courses so she could sit for the CPA exam.
Tracy takes people going through divorce step-by-step through gathering and analyzing their financial documents to see what their money has been spent on and whether any money is missing.
When going through a divorce, the settlement has lifelong ramifications. Not everyone needs a forensic accountant, but most people need a guide, which Tracy created. The Divorce Money Guide is designed to be accessible to the average person.
One of the significant factors of divorce is money. Having money conversations early on can help avoid many problems. Even if you're afraid, you have to give the person a chance to accept you.
Full transparency is going to be the best. No matter what you're disclosing. It's natural to be afraid, but the more you talk about money, the easier the conversations become.
Signs of Financial Infidelity
When you're married, the law views you as one unit. Even if you want to manage your finances separately, transparency into the other person's accounts is crucial. Normalize having money conversations without judgment so you can work as a team.
Everyone has a different system for managing their finances. If you notice a solo red flag, that may not be a big deal. When you see multiple red flags, paying attention and digging deeper is important.
Behavioral red flags: Have there been changes in your partner's behavior? Are they gone for periods of time that can't be counted for? Are they being secretive or hiding their phone?
Financial red flags: Have they started using only cash to make purchases? Are there changes in their spending habits? Are they spending outside of the agreed limits of the relationship? Are transactions not adding up? Has there been a change in transparency?
You should be able to trust your partner. If you can't share everything, it's a red flag. You should feel comfortable being open and transparent about the family finances.
Final Thoughts
Most people are more comfortable getting physically naked than they are financially naked. People will be together for years and financially live completely different lives, even when they're married.
The earlier you can be transparent about your finances, the better. It's essential to do so before getting married. Once you're married, any debt becomes joint debt, and knowing about that upfront is better than being surprised later.
If you've been hiding anything from your partner, you have to share it with them. The longer you wait, the more challenging it gets.
When you choose to get married and be on the team, you should want to be the best player. You need to be able to be able to find a middle ground on an issue.
There are a lot of emotions around a divorce. You have to advocate for yourself. Each state has different rules, but you have rights. Find a third party to help guide you and help you reach a fair agreement.
Takeaway: My biggest takeaway is that the best way to avoid financial infidelity is to create a foundation of transparency and trust where finances are considered sooner rather than later in your relationship. I advise getting financially naked even before you get physically naked as money will always have a role in your relationship.
Random Three Questions
What’s the most surprising thing you’ve ever uncovered?
What is something you’re currently binging?
If this was your last meal on earth, what would it be?
Connect with Tracy Coenen
Website: https://www.divorcemoneyguide.com/
Instagram: @divorcemoneyguide
YouTube: Youtube.com/@divorcemoneyguide
Book: Find Me the Money
If you have any topics you would like me to cover on this podcast, or if you’d like to get in the financially naked hot seat, I encourage you to email me at shannon@fingyms.com or join the private Martinis and Your Money Facebook Page, and let me know what you want to hear.
As many of you know, other than running this podcast, I’m the founder and CEO of The Financial Gym, and we are celebrating 10 years of this journey. Now more than ever, I see the importance of the work we do every single day. Rising inflation, the return on student loan debt, high-interest rates on loans and mortgages, and volatile stock markets make it a time where, now more than ever, you need a best financial friend to help you make the best choices along the way.
At Financial Gym, you get paired with a Certified Financial Trainer, who we call your BFF. Our team has coached clients through every financial season, whether they were living paycheck to paycheck or headed into Financial Independence and Retirement. As a reminder, we work with individuals, couples, or business owners.
The exciting news of 2024 is that Financial Gym now has a sister company, FG Advisory Services, available for people looking for more traditional financial advisory services like asset management delivered by a team that looks and behaves nothing like a traditional financial advisory services company. We literally have a solution for you, no matter where you’re starting from. So what are you waiting for? Head over to or send friends to financialgym.com to get started today. Our warm-up calls are free of cost and judgment, so you have nothing to lose.