Couples and Money with Ande Frazier
Couples and Money with Ande Frazier
After seven years of working with people and getting them financially healthy, I know for a fact that the biggest barriers to financial health are not in the dollars and cents, it’s in the emotional challenges and breaking through those emotional walls to creating a healthier money mindset.
Joining me today is Ande Frazier, author of the book Fin(anci)ally Free: 11 Conversations to Have with Yourself About Life, Money, and Worth, to talk about some of these challenges women in particular face and how we can have healthier money conversations to develop a healthier financial life.
What are we drinking?
Ande - Gin and Tonic
Shannon - Deep Eddy’s Grapefruit Vodka over Club Soda
Podcast Notes
In times like this pandemic, there are a lot of money lessons learned. Recessions usually happen about every three and a half years and we haven’t seen one in over nine years.
Ande has been in the financial industry for the last 25 years and has worked with clients, as well as developing advisors at a smaller firm. She has been on the corporate side of finance working with insurance and investment companies, and she ran a fin-tech company for many years that built software for advisors.
Career changes in the finance industry allowed Ande to launch her company, My Worth. No matter where she was in the industry, Ande noticed a lot of traditional language and methodology being used, and a lot of women were going outside of the financial industry trying to find help.
Getting financial advice from a YouTube influencer is not always the best action. Ande would rather you work with someone who has the credentials and is licensed to give advice.
It was important to Ande to communicate this and provide a platform for women to go to access resources, information, and education about money.
Just because someone has money to invest doesn’t mean they know the jargon.
Ande’s new book is called Fin(anci)ally Free. She wanted to write a book that would lightly go over a lot of things people should think about and segment them out over 11 conversations.
Have a conversation with yourself first and then other people in your life and start getting more accountability around your own personal journey and what you need to be doing.
Get curious about what you need to do and then take action. There are bigger conversations you need to have before you get into the nuts and bolts of your money.
Everybody has an individualized situation and your decisions will vary based on what you value and your bigger goals. Where do you want to be in five years? Do you want to own a home? Have these conversations frequently and often.
Financial health boils down to two things: making more and spending less. If you are stressed out about losing your job, think about if you really need to have your house or your car.
People don’t realize how complicated money topics are with couples until they are on the other side of it. So much is hidden behind the scenes and people can be very reluctant to talk about some of these important topics.
Money is not math. It is interwoven throughout our lives and we have a lot of emotional attachment to it. That only gets exacerbated when it comes to people talking about money as a couple.
Every relationship evolves differently. You are in the relationship and you need to feel it out as to when it is best to bring up the topic.
There are things that you can notice about the person you are dating very early on, like how they are talking about money or how they are spending money. Through learning about their upbringing, background, education, and job, you can start to get an idea of how they feel about money.
You can start to notice if their success is defined by material things versus experiences early on in the relationship.
As you get more serious, it is great to sit down and recognize that money is a part of your lives and have a conversation about both of your beliefs about it and what you each value. This is better than asking how much they make and how much they have in their 401(k).
Start by asking about their beliefs and how they were raised. Be prepared to talk about your own financial situation and don’t be afraid to be open about it if you are asking your partner to do the same.
You need to trust the person you are with that they are not going to be judgmental. You need to be open and vulnerable to have this conversation and when the other person decides they are going to do the same, you have to be willing to come from a place of not being judgmental about what they did or didn’t do. It needs to work both ways.
As you get closer to marriage, there need to be more conversations, not just about if you are going to have separate bank accounts but your values and beliefs.
If you aren’t hiding something, why aren’t you talking to your significant other? How can you work together if you aren’t honest.
A red flag is when a person starts overexcusing their actions and they become highly defensive. This is a sign that something is going on.
Make a mental note and start digging into it slowly, because it usually means there is something they aren’t being truthful about or it is something they feel shame about. If you are thinking about getting married or are already married, it could be a sign of something more than the money.
If you are in a long-term relationship and haven’t really talked about money, just ask them. Both partners should be involved in managing the money. Oftentimes one partner is a spender and one is a saver and you both need to work to be on the same page.
When you are having money conversations, look at body language and listen to the tone of voice to tell you if the other person is getting anxious or excited, or if you are starting to tread on a sensitive topic. Follow up gently from a place of curiosity and care and don’t be accusing or blaming about what they are sharing.
If one person make more than the other, come together and be more equalized in terms of the decisions you make, regardless of who is making more.
Our childhood can inform us a lot about our current beliefs, actions, and attitudes about money. Take time to talk about that with each other. Share stories and be willing to listen. Talk about your values and what goals you want to set as a couple.
If things change with your money goals, it is important to do a check in where you are today, where you were before, and where you want to go. It is important to recognize shifts in your relationship and try to evolve together. You don’t want to be too late in acknowledging them.
When things are going well and you are both feeling good, it is important to talk about these things because you will be more open with each other.
Money is stressful enough, write it on the calendar and schedule conversations.
Look at how you are talking about money with your children. Different children may need a different structure.
Everything can be dealt with if you have good communication. Being sincere and authentic will allow you to have these conversations.
Takeaway: My biggest takeaway is that as much as most of us don’t want to talk about money, the more we talk about it in a healthy way, the easier and less stressful it becomes, and the more financially healthy we become.
Random Three Questions
What is a show you like to binge watch?
When was the last time you cried?
If you had a million dollars, what would you do with it?
Connect with Ande
Website: andefrazier.com and myworthfinance.com
Instagram: @myworthfinance
Book: Fin(anci)ally Free
If you have any topics you would like me to cover on this podcast, or If you’d like to get in the financially naked hot seat, I encourage you to email me to Shannon@fingyms.com, or join the private Martinis and Your Money Facebook group, and let me know what you want to hear.
If you’d like to start having healthier conversations about money, and break through the barriers that are in your way, I hope you’ll reach out to my team at The Financial Gym. We’ve worked with over 6,000 clients at this point and we’ve literally seen it all and would love to help you achieve your financial dreams. If you’re ready to get started, head over to, or send friends to, financialgym.com to get set up today.