Adventures in Opting Out with Cait Flanders
Adventures in Opting Out with Cait Flanders
Getting financially healthy is all about having a mindset shift, and mindset shifts can come in different ways and through different inspirations. I think personal finance author Cait Flanders does a great job tackling personal finance through a new lens.
Cait’s first book, The Year of Less, is one that I frequently recommend to people early on in their financial health journey, and now she’s back with her second book, Adventures in Opting Out – A Field Guide to Leading an Intentional Life. Cait joins me today to share her inspiration for the book and why you should become a master of opting out.
What are we drinking?
Cait - Coffee
Shannon - Black Cherry Schweppes
Podcast Notes
One of Shannon’s favorite personal finance books is Cait’s first book, The Year of Less. It is the Eat, Pray, Love of personal finance, because it is more about mindset shifting and thoughtfulness around finance. It gives people the right entry point, because there is no jargon for those starting their financial health journey.
The Year of Less was received better and more broadly than Cait expected. Since the quarantine, the book seems to be serving another purpose, because people have been doing a lot of online spending.
If opting out is happening, most people are right at the beginning of it. There is a real grief and emotional piece to what we are going through right now and we start questioning things.
Cait didn’t think she would write another book, because she didn’t think she deserved it. Her mental health went downhill after she wrote the first book.
She knew she financially she would be okay the first year after the book came out, but she didn’t know about after that. She didn’t have a plan.
Her second book came to her during the promotion of the first book. During her book tour, there was always a Q&A at the end. The question she got at every event was: Did you lose any friends along the way?. People were very concerned about other people.
Cait noticed she would say things to make people feel better. The reality is she lost friends. You always will if you decide to do something different than the majority of people in your life are doing. It’s going to be hard and it might be lonely.
There were friends that Cait went shopping with and she stopped shopping with them. Her coworkers at the time were in Toronto, living the city life, and they didn’t understand her. She faced a lot of judgement.
People talk about shopping all the time and she realized she had nothing to add to the conversation. It made her question if she had anything in common with some people.
Eventually Cait quit her job and she doesn’t stay in contact with any of her previous coworkers.
Adventures in Opting Out lays out the path, so you can go into it very woke to the journey. No one’s path will look exactly the same, but the general feelings will come up. If you can prepare for that, it helps.
Opting out means changing paths. If there is something you have been doing that doesn’t feel right or you see something ahead and you can’t stop thinking about it it may be time to change paths.
One opt out Cait sees a lot is people quitting social media, because of the new documentary, Social Dilemma. If you are the first person among your friends that is opting out, you are removing a way you can connect and there are things you might miss out on.
Bigger opt outs include changing careers, changing your finances, becoming financially independent, deciding to be frugal, etc.
Some people are better at opting out, because they have a stronger gut instinct. Cait’s book is great for people who don’t trust their gut to make a bold or semi bold change in direction.
Some of the messages Cait received after people read the book have been big. One was from someone who decided to leave her relationship, and another was from a woman who quit her job the day after she read it. From The Year of Less, the woman paid off her debt and saved up a year of savings.
If you have a strong gut instinct, there is a reason for it. It doesn’t mean it will be fun or easy.
There is a chapter in the book about people who took calculated risks. There was no one Cait talked to who took a very dangerous leap. The more you do it, the more confidence you will have. Some people have more experience, but it always starts with one.
Deciding not to drink anymore was Cait’s big first opt out. You have to get comfortable with potentially being the only one who is doing what you are doing. Making course changes, big or small, are challenging no matter what. It is comfortable to stay on a path you know.
It is easier to recognize you need to make a change when you are unhappy. It is more subtle when the pain is less, because it could lead to more pain. When things feel okay it is scarier.
The book is broken down into hiking metaphors. Cait was on a short hike by herself in April 2018, and she noticed how many times she had to talk to herself about carrying on. She always has to talk herself into hiking when she is alone. It takes a lot of emotional legwork to get through it.
No one who looks at her Instagram knows this is how she feels about hiking. She likes nature, but she doesn’t like moving her body all the time. Opting out is very similar. It is emotional all of the time and Cait needs to give herself the pep talks constantly.
Any change you are making, if it is the right change for you, should feel some amount of good early on. There should be some sign that it is worth carrying on. If it is a real struggle at the start, it is okay to step back and ask how you should shift it.
If you are being really mindful and intentional, you will change paths multiple times and that’s okay. As a result, you will hear about it for the rest of your life. It may take awhile before you can handle the comments. People will always have something to say.
At the end of the day, it is you on your path. So much of it is the conversations you are having in your head and making the right decision for you.
Almost any feedback you get from other people has nothing to do with you. Most of the time people can only see for you what they see for themselves. They are telling you what they would tell themselves if they were in your situation. You need to bear with it and realize it is not about you.
It is very challenging when the opt out is a bigger opt out, because people will have opinions and you need to figure out how to not internalize them.
Cait is considering something as an opt out right now and she is not ready to tell anyone, because there will definitely be questions. We like to be in community and have validation, but you can’t predict what people will say.
Looking back on opt outs she has done, Cait will get to a place where she is confident enough in her decision and she will start planting seeds to see how one or two people react. You are never going to know how any of it will go until you begin.
If it is just fear of the unknown, it is worth taking a chance on yourself. Cait has been afraid before every single opt out and they have all been worth it, even if it is just to show she is capable. You will not know how the journey will go until you start.
Sometimes when you are in a dark place, you think you’ve been buried, but you’ve actually been planted.
It is a real exercise in slowing down and remembering you don’t have to rush it. It is important to check in with yourself and ask if it is still the right choice for you and if you need to make a shift. Think through the steps and make sure it still makes sense for you.
There is no one who knows what you want to do better than you.
Takeaway: My biggest takeaway is that opting out and changing paths can be scary initially, but you should always trust your gut instinct. If you’re feeling led down a different path, that’s exactly the next step you should take.
Random Three Questions
Where would you like to travel next?
What has been your binge in quarantine?
If this was your last meal on earth, what would you choose?
Connect with Cait
Book: Adventures in Opting Out
Instagram: @caitflanders
If you have any topics you would like me to cover on this podcast, or if you’d like to get in the financially naked hot seat, I encourage you to email me to Shannon@fingyms.com, or join the private Martinis and Your Money Facebook group, and let me know what you want to hear.
If you’d like to talk to my team at The Financial Gym to help you get financially healthy and give you a mindset shift so you can engage in more opting out in the future, I hope you’ll reach out to us. Money should never get in the way of you taking the natural next step in your life journey, and Martinis and Your Money listeners always get a special discount at the Gym. Head over to, or send friends to, financialgym.com to get set up today.